I am killing myself with laughter. Tears are pouring from my eyes. Apparently, because I know that wheat gluten can seriously damage my intestinal vili, alcohol makes me totally stupid (temporarily), sugar makes me fat and diabetic and I prefer wild yeast to commercial yeast, and avoid the same, I am suffering from a disease called Orthorexia Nervosa.
Oh what a brilliant thing to know. I now probably qualify for free psychological counselling. That is if I can stop laughing long enough to get me to the psychologists office.
Oh joy is me. I have a quantifiable disease. I'll be able to take pharmaceuticals like everyone else. I'll have to bake and eat cakes made with sweetened condensed milk every day, and to desensitize myself, I'll have to undertake to eat half a loaf of cardboard white bread a day.
All is forgiven. Those of you who tried to make me see the error of my ways and encouraged me to revert back to unhealthy eating were right and I was wrong.
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 7:25am
Now, just what other things should I be doing to rid myself of this terrifying and totally health inducing disease? Quickly please, everyone who hates me can help me overcome my fears.
There must be some completely dangerous pharmaceutical I can take because obviously 6 sage leaves steeped in hot water and taken at 1 dessertspoon a day just doesn't cut the mustard in this case. I need to cause serious physiological and psychological damage.
Maybe I should ask my doctor for some pointless statins for starters. What about some teeth destroying anti-psychotics? And definitely, perhaps a daily dose of liver killing aspirin. Those are just for starters. I need a real cocktail and I'm just a total innocent in this respect.
Please help me.
brightspark,
Jul 5, 7:25am
Ahahahahahahaha bloody brilliant!
brightspark,
Jul 5, 7:26am
I'm posting you some Cadbury Dairy Milk Chocolate as I type, and you MUST eat one full kingsize block per day do you hear me? ? ?
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 7:32am
Today I am going to turn over a new leaf. I'm starting off by taking a leaf out of pickles book and begin by pickling myself. I haven't got any home made alcoholic brews but I do have a couple of dozen expensive Otago Pinot Noir in my cellar. By this evening I should have polished off at least a dozen.
Mmm. **Wanders off to find a suitable bucket to drink out of**. It has to be food grade - Ooops, Slaps self over the face - no more of that healthy stuff, any old carcinogen leaching plastic receptacle will do now.
Tomorrow, I'm going to buy me a microwave, preferably an old one that leaks radiation and nuke all my food.
See how rapidly I can get into the spirit of things.
What else should I do people? I need real help.
2halls,
Jul 5, 7:34am
buzzy, you definitely need to start on the diet soft drinks. Probably a 2 litre a day to begin with, this should start off some great symptoms that you can discuss with your counsellor. I think I may have the same disease as you reading the symptoms ! ! Hilarious. :-)
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 7:38am
Oh that's brilliant brightspark. Could you include some sweetened condensed milk. I've heard that the caramel stuff is brilliant in chocolate cups. I can buy chocolate cups at my local foodie store. They sell all sorts of brilliantly expensive, high quality foods, but their chocolate cups are made from hydrogenated palm oil, pesticide filled cocoa and a myriad of preservatives, flavour enhancers, mineral salts and soy lecithins, so they'll definitely be on my shopping list.
bedazzledjewels,
Jul 5, 7:39am
You must NOT buy any food that DOESN'T have a nutritional label. The more unpronouncable words the better. It doesn't matter if you keep your Twinkies and McDonalds burgers for several years before you eat them as they won't have changed much at all. Try to make every processed food you buy have some link back to the corn industry too. That's vital for avoiding this syndrome. Poor Buzzy!
accroul,
Jul 5, 7:40am
Don't forget that IF you decide to eat something along with the pinot & the sugar free soft drinks, you must also eat nothing less than '97% fat free' & remove all visiable traces of tasty fats - that is, if you MUST eat meat at all.
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 7:41am
See how helpful you are all being. I never thought about diet soft drinks. I think a crate of 2litre Zero coke must go onto my shopping list. I can sip it in between bottles of Pinot Noir.
I'll have to send out for all this stuff because I've opened my first bottle of Pinot Noir and am drinking it out of an old ice cream container I rescued from my neighbour's recycle bin till I can get into the garage and find an old paint pail.
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 7:47am
Oh dear dazz. Does that mean I'll have to avoid the fresh parts of the supermarket and zero in on the central aisles? I'll have to find some safari gear, a machete and a big game shot gun. I've not ventured into the wilds of deepest, darkest supermarket aisles for years. Is it safe in there. I've heard they are full of wild eyed mothers with angry and violent offspring who attack anything that moves and it is school holidays you know.
I'm frightened to go there. Oh well another bottle of noir might calm my fears.
bedazzledjewels,
Jul 5, 7:51am
Well it is school holidays so those aisles will be packed, so full combat gear is essential. Hey, this will be a learning experience for you Buzzy. Maybe you could get some kids to help find the most appropriate product that has the most dazzling nutritional label.
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 7:53am
I've got a brilliant idea. I can mix green top milk with pinot. All my butter has now hit the rubbish collection. Margarine made with partially hydrogenated palm oils and rendered down beef fat is all the rage and that is all I will eat in future.
Will l be able to cook my sweetened condensed milk delights with margarine?
I won't be hungry accroul when I remove all the fat off my meat because all the sugar I will be eating will keep my feeling full for a whole 30mins at a time.
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 7:55am
Yes dazz. I need some kids. My grandson hasn't been born yet. Maybe I'll put up a sign on my letterbox.
NUTRITION ADVICE NEEDED FROM TEENAGERS - Real money paid for help to cure someone with Orthorexia Nervosa.
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 7:58am
I feel so sad. I bounced out of bed at 6am this morning feeling that all was well with the world, and I read the paper and find I have a disease and now my world has been plunged into total despair.
How will I break the news to my husband?
I am crying real tears into my ice cream container now and I think I need to open another bottle.
bedazzledjewels,
Jul 5, 7:59am
And you must buy ONLY processed meats Buzzy - you need those nitrates. Also you must not expose any part of your body to the sun, so perhaps you could run up a burka on your sewing machine. That should ensure that you'll get dementia and depression which make this 'journey' of yours so much easier.
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 8:03am
Goodbye for now world, I still have to go to the gym to do my weights and stuff. I'm hoping my trainer will have some good advice for me. He's like male_timaru. He knows all the good stuff to eat. Henri hates low carb high fat so I think he'll be a good help to someone as afflicted as me.
Maybe I should stop going to the gym. It can't be good for someone with my disease. What if it is contagious and the whole gym comes down with it. I'll never forgive myself.
I'll have to move to the spare room, in case I infect my DH.
I'm determined to cure myself.
More help people. I'll read it all when I get back. I have to walk though because I've had too much drink to drive!
elliehen,
Jul 5, 9:12am
Don't forget to eat kilos of saturated fat per day - duck fat, greasy bacon, mutton flaps oozing. High protein diets strain the kidneys in susceptible people - such as those with auto-immune diseases. A high protein/high fat diet is thrombogenic. This means the fat will tend to form fatty particles in your blood after meals, making your blood move along sluggishly, which could lead to blood clots, meaning heart attack or stroke.
Keep the phone nearby that first hour after dinner... . ready to dial 111...
brightspark,
Jul 5, 9:16am
Oh that reminds me, I have a recipe for fudge that uses straight chocolate mixed with a can of condensed milk! Sound perfect.
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 11:02am
elli you are so kind in my hour of need. I'll take your advice on board, but as I am already eat lots of thrombogenic fats and I think my disease is caused by the things I don't eat could you, perhaps advise me on the pharmaceuticals I need to take instead.
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 11:03am
Brightspark - that sounds like excellent medicine for someone with Self Righteous Eating disease. I hate taking medicine but I'll force myself to take regular 30min doses of your fudge.
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 11:09am
Anyway, as you can see I'm back. I never made it to the gym. In my inebriated state I automatically took my bike (which is how I always get to the gym) and I wobbled my way all the way to the old Mangere bridge, where I fell into the water, bike and all. Luckily I was saved when I snagged myself on a fishing hook and was reeled in. The police were called and I was carted away to the cop shop in town where I was charged with reeling while wheeling and not wearing a helmet.
I was too inebriated to remember my home ph number and I lost my glasses and money in the ocean so I couldn't find my number in the book. The cops called me a diseased, drunken, w... . . and told me to p... . off. I had to cling to the side of a bus to get home but the driver got annoyed and kicked me off at Manukau - lucky really because that was the wrong way anyway. Next I jumped a series of trucks and eventually I made it home.
I am in a total mess. I am also a mess. My hair. My lovely hair. I am so upset. It looks like I have been drowned, then arrested.
buzzy110,
Jul 5, 11:15am
I have called my doctor for an urgent appointment but he is overrun by people with ailments that cause pain and distress so I was put onto the nurse. I had to tell her I had a disease that causes me to be full of vitality and health. I even told her that it was orthorexia nervosa and that I was doomed to live a long, vibrant and healthy life and needed help fast.
She was totally unsympathetic. If I could see properly (no glasses you see, lucky I'm a touch typist) I'd google a link and send it to her just so she can see how serious my illness is.
Could someone do that for me and send it to my doctor? I can't remember who he is now, because I'm on my 4th bottle of wine, but just send a link to every doctor in Auckland.
pixiegirl,
Jul 5, 11:41am
buzzy did you manage to gobble down some take aways when you were on your journey - upsized naturally and did you pick up something for afternoon tea - a nice little treat maybe - something nice and sweet and sticky - that will perk you up. I would offer to help you with the doctor thing but maybe I am too elderly and sedentry (sp) apparently to try. lolAnyway good luck and glad you got home safely! ! By the way did you manage to get any "crabs" when you went for your dip.
elliehen,
Jul 5, 11:43am
buzzy110, the cure is to 'relax' more about your food.
"Although orthorexics enjoy proselytizing about their dietary views, it is common for sufferers to increasingly isolate themselves because of their fear and disgust of impure foods they will encounter. As their obsession grows, orthorexics spend more time planning their dietary regime and less time enjoying the things and people they used to spend time with. Their radical restriction can eventually cause various forms of malnutrition. "
If you too suspect you have buzzy110's self-diagnosed disorder, you could try this website questionnaire.
- Do you spend more than 3 hours a day thinking about your diet?
- Do you plan your meals several days ahead?
- Is the nutritional value of your meal more important than the pleasure of eating it?
- Has the quality of your life decreased as the quality of your diet has increased?
- Have you become stricter with yourself lately?
- Does your self-esteem get a boost from eating healthily?
- Have you given up foods you used to enjoy in order to eat the ‘right’ foods
- Does your diet make it difficult for you to eat out, distancing you from family and friends?
- Do you feel guilty when you stray from your diet?
- Do you feel at peace with yourself and in total control when you eat healthily?
YES to 4 or 5 of the above questions means it is time to relax more about food.
YES to all of them means a full-blown obsession
Definitely food for thought ;)
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